Snake Oil
Snake Oil
Gambler Jack Morton is persuaded to invest his winnings in buying the wagon and stock of a snake oil conman, and so reinvents himself as Professor Cornelius Murgatroyd, purveyor of a miraculous cure for rheumatism, travelling across the West making a precarious living from the gullibility of others.
But one day his life is disrupted when he goes to the aid of a dying woman whose wagon has been attacked by robbers, and makes a promise that he will take her baby son to safety with the child’s grandfather in Claremont, several days ride away. And so begins a series of adventures where Morton has to pit his wits against numerous adversaries to fulfil his promise and to stay alive.
By the same author
Whirlwind
Assault on Fort Bennett
The Vigilance Man
Snake Oil
Fenton Sadler
ROBERT HALE
© Fenton Sadler 2016
First published in Great Britain 2016
ISBN 978-0-7198-2182-0
The Crowood Press
The Stable Block
Crowood Lane
Ramsbury
Marlborough
Wiltshire SN8 2HR
www.crowood.com
Robert Hale is an imprint of The Crowood Press
The right of Fenton Sadler to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by him
in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
Chapter 1
In a tea chest at the back of his van Morton kept a fat diamondback rattler. Rattlesnakes were, as you might say, his stock-in-trade these days, but the one that he carried with him on his travels was next door to being a pet. Of course, he regularly picked up other rattlers for use in his show, but that great diamondback – a shade over four feet long – well, that was special.
Eighteen months ago Jack Morton had been scraping a living by playing poker on the steamboats that plied the Mississippi. Since some of the towns in that part of the country had strict anti-gambling ordinances, the riverboats were where the action was if you wanted to play cards publicly with a bar near at hand, and maybe a pretty girl or two looking over your shoulder. The only problem was that there were many sharks working those waters, in comparison with whom Morton was a veritable minnow. If he made enough to keep himself in liquor and cigars he reckoned to be doing well enough. That was until the night that he had his big win: the win that had set him up in his present business.
The boat was moored in some little tributary of the mighty river, picking up cotton from the plantations thereabouts. A bunch of men had come on board that night, determined to throw their money around. Morton had held his own and then had come that fabulous hand: a nigh-on unbeatable four knaves. Everybody else had dropped out until there was only him and one other left in. When they finally showed it was to discover that the other man had the best species of full house you could hope to see: aces over kings. It was no wonder he’d been betting so high, but it wasn’t enough to match those four knaves of Morton’s, and he’d cleared a little over $2,000 on that one hand.
He wasn’t a one to press his luck when fortune had smiled on him to this extent, so Morton had gathered up the money and prepared to go back to his cabin. The man who’d had that full house followed him and for a moment Morton thought that there was going to be trouble.
‘You was mighty lucky there, friend,’ the fellow said.
‘Well, it happens. It’s rare enough as a hand like yours’d be beat, but there it is. That’s the luck o’ the draw.’
‘Oh, I ain’t complaining,’ said the man hastily, ‘I just thought you might be a man as had an eye to a good business opening for your winnings.’
Morton laughed at that. ‘Tell you the truth, I’m not a whale at business. I reckon I’ll stick to this cash money. I know where I am with that.’
‘Well, why not let me buy you a drink and tell you what I’m offering. You don’t lose anything by that and who knows, it might be to your advantage.’
Offhand, Morton could see no reason not to go along with the scheme. He was a dab hand at spotting those gamblers who were part of a syndicate, working in concert to fleece unwary players, as well as those types who befriended well-off men in order to rob them when once they were intoxicated. This man wasn’t of that brand and it was still fairly early. Besides which, Morton could do with a whiskey to celebrate his win. So he agreed and went with the other to the bar.
Once they had drinks in their hands the man, who introduced himself only as Abernathy without saying if that was his Christian or surname, set out his pitch.
‘It’s like this, sir. I came here today to raise capital for a venture in which I’m interested; it don’t signify what. I badly need that two thousand dollars you won tonight. There, you see, I’m a-laying of my cards down so you can see how I’m fixed.’
Jack Morton stirred uneasily.
‘Well, I’m sorry and all for your misfortune in losing,’ he said, ‘but that’s how it goes sometimes. I won and you lost. I don’t feel guilty about it and I ain’t about to part with any o’ my winnings for a sob-story.’ He made as if to leave.
‘Not so hasty,’ said the man who’d given his name as Abernathy. ‘Lordy, folk round here are right suspicious. I’m not asking for your charity. I’m offering to set you up in a profitable, going concern that will enable you to live comfortably without having to sit up half the night in a smoky room.’
‘Go on then,’ said Morton, ‘let’s hear the pitch.’
‘You ever come across Murgatroyd’s Liniment?’
‘I don’t recollect that I have. What is it?’
‘Why, it’s the wonder of the age! It cures aching muscles, alleviates the toothache, relieves the pain of childbirth and has a thousand and one other medicinal uses besides. Made from certified rattlesnake oil, extracted fresh each day for every batch.’
‘You’re trying to sell me snake oil?’ asked Morton in amazement. ‘Get on out of here!’ This time he really did leave, stalking off towards the cabins in great displeasure. The man who called himself Abernathy came after him, clutching at his sleeve.
‘You got altogether the wrong idea, my friend. I’m not fixing to sell you the snake oil. I have a flourishing business in that field and I’m offering to exchange it for that two thousand dollars you won this evening.’
Somewhat mollified, Jack Morton suffered himself to be led back to the bar, where Abernathy bought him another drink and reasoned out the case to him.
‘Here’s the deal, sir. I have ashore a horse and van, fully equipped with bottles of Murgatroyd’s Liniment and all the paraphernalia that goes with it. Advertising bills, bottles, labels, the whole works. Got a tame rattler as well. You can sleep in the van, there’s a bedroll, and I clear the best part of two hundred dollars a week when I’m working hard at it.
‘You can do the same. Or you can fritter away that money you won tonight and be in the same position a week or two down the line. I’m offering you a way to make good money regularly, with none of the uncertainty that attends the life of a professional gambler.’
Now, although he was damned if he was going to let Abernathy see this, Morton was intrigued by this proposal. Truth to tell, he was growing a mite weary of sitting up half the night, playing cards and earning only enough to keep himself going. He certainly wasn’t making $200 a week at this game, or anything like it.
He allowed none of this to show in his face; instead he shook his head doubtfully.
‘I don’t rightly know,’ he said. ‘I never done anything o’ the kind before. Don’t you have to be a powerful slick talker for that work?’
‘Not a bit of it; you just need to bluff. I’ve watched you do that all evening. You’d be a natural at this game.’
‘I don’t know,’ said Jack Morton, although he was more than half-persuaded that travelling round in a horse-drawn van might make a welcome change from being on board boats, ‘I wouldn’t know what to say to get folks to buy the stuff.’
Sensing that he had a chance to make the sale, Abernathy said: ‘Why, how right you are. I knew straight from the start that you’re not a man to buy a pig in a poke. What I suggest is that you come with me to the next town and I’ll show you how it’s all done. Then, if you want to buy the business from me, you can do so. What do you say?’
So it was that Jack Morton let the Delta Queen depart without him and went on overland with Abernathy to the town of Fishers’ Landing, where he was inducted into the finer points of the art of peddling snake oil to the credulous and simple-minded citizens of small Southern towns.
The first step was to announce their presence in the town; so, the evening they arrived in Fishers’ Landing Morton went out with Abernathy and stuck up bills on trees and fences, letting people know that they were in town. The bills were cheaply printed but enticing. Below a lithograph of a fearsome rattler, about to strike, was printed the following message;
Cornelius Murgatroyd's Liniment
A Guaranteed Cure for Rheumatism
Whether
Acute, Chronic, Sciatic or Neuralgic
Prepared from Pure Rattlesnake Oil
Accept no Substitute and Shun all Imitations
50c a Bottle
Relieves Instantly and Cures Permanently;
Toothache, Headache, Neuralgia, Earache, Swellings,
Sprains, Stiff Joints, Sore Throats, Etc. Etc.
They scribbled on the bottom of these posters the location in town where they would be parking the van and selling their wares the next day. As they moved through Fishers’ Landing, affixing these pieces of paper with thumbtacks to any convenient surface, Abernathy remarked: ‘The problem with a town this small is that you can’t really use shills.’
‘Shills?’ asked Morton. ‘I don’t mind that I’ve heard that word before. What are they?’
‘Shills are men, sometimes women, that you pay to puff up your wares to the crowd,’ explained Abernathy. ‘You ever see the shell game, what some call “three-card monte”?’
‘Sure I have,’ said Morton contemptuously. ‘What has that to do with this present enterprise?’
‘Ever notice how there’s always people clustered around the man running the shell game who win as easily as you like?’
‘Sure, usually connections of the fellow who’s actually playing with the shells or dealing the cards out. Everybody knows that. They lead on others, who will lose their money.’
‘Well it’s the selfsame thing in this line of work. You need to get people who buy a bottle or two at once claiming that it’s cured them of the good Lord alone knows what ailments. Say, I reckon as you could play that part tomorrow. Nobody’s apt to recognize you round these here parts, I dare say.’
‘Happen you’re right,’ said Morton. ‘Why do you say it’s harder in little places like this?’
‘’Cause everybody knows everybody else. If I pay some fellow I picked up in a saloon the night before to praise my goods everybody’ll know him at once. It’s different in big towns, where you can get some fellow from the other side of the town to appear in the character of a hopeless cripple who was saved by my medicine.’
That evening Abernathy and Morton camped a little way out of town so that they wouldn’t be seen together and could pose as being unknown to each other the next day. The one thing that Abernathy was not inclined to talk of was where he actually obtained his supplies of snake oil. All he would tell Morton was that he produced it himself and that it was that cheap that the only real expenses of the business were the bottles, corks, labels and suchlike; the oil itself costing next to nothing.
At nine the following morning they took the van into Fishers’ Landing and set up on the patch of open land near the smithy that they had specified in the bills they had posted the previous day.
There is little enough to divert the attention in many small towns, and often curious crowds tend to gather for the most trifling of reasons. So it proved that morning, when Abernathy stood on the buckboard of his van and began his pitch.
‘Ladies and gentlemen,’ he said, ‘you all know me. I am none other than Professor Cornelius Murgatroyd and I am, once again, passing through this fair corner of your lovely state. Some of you might ask: how come this fellow does not have a shop of his own? How is it that he does not employ agents and salesmen, or pay a small fortune to advertise his products in the newspapers?
‘I’ll tell you why, friends. Every batch of my snake-oil liniment is mixed up fresh, a day or two before I arrive in any town. The active ingredients of that oil degrade swiftly and, after a month in the bottle, lose their potency to an alarming degree.
‘That’s why I prepare my liniment just before I bottle and sell it, which is why it would be no earthly use sending it to big stores. Why, it might linger on the shelf for months and would be useless by the time it was bought.’
From the crowd gathered around the van a young man called out: ‘Rattlesnake oil? You can bet it’s nothing o’ the sort. Rattlesnakes! I don’t think so.’
‘Ah,’ said Abernathy, not in the smallest degree put out of countenance, ‘a doubting Thomas! Come up here to the front, my friend. It’s a fair point that you make and I hope to answer it.’
The man showed a marked reluctance to step forward and so Abernathy observed amiably: ‘I’m sorry to note that you’re afraid to set yourself openly in front of these good people and express your suspicions outright, like a man.’ He made as though to continue with his spiel but the man who had sneered at the notion of rattlesnakes began pushing his way to the front, muttering: ‘Afraid, am I? I don’t think so. We’ll see who’s afraid.’
Although Morton was standing at the back of the throng surrounding Abernathy’s van he was close enough to be able to tell that the salesman was not displeased to be challenged in this way. Indeed, it was almost as though he had been expecting heckling in some form or another.
‘Come on up here with me, my friend,’ said Abernethy. ‘Glad to see that you’re not shy.’ He reached down and helped the young man up on to the buckboard, saying: ‘Now, you were taking leave to question as to the inclusion of genuine rattlesnakes in the medicinal product which I am this day selling. Would that about do justice to your position, sir?’
The man looked out at where his friends were standing and grinned at them. They grinned right back, thinking what a card Jim Bannister was. Then he said boldly: ‘Yeah, I reckon that’s about the strength of it.’
‘Well then . . . I didn’t catch your name?’
‘M’friends call me Jim.’
‘I hope I may be counted among that happy band. Just stand there a moment, Jim. I have something you might wish to see.’
Abernathy reached into the van and fumbled around for a second or two before emerging into the sun holding the biggest diamondback rattlesnake that Morton had ever seen in his life. It had to be fully four feet long. The snake-oil salesman thrust this at the young man standing beside him, saying: ‘Here now, Jim, catch ahold of this!’
The results of this unexpected manoeuvre surpassed Abernathy’s wildest hopes, because young Jim leaped back in terror, forgot that he was balanced precariously on a buckboard and went crashing to the earth with a loud thud. He lay there dazed, giving Abernathy the opportunity to lean over the side and enquire solicitously:
‘You all right down there, Jim? Sorry to scare you like that. Didn’t you say something about no rattlesnakes being used in my liniment? Still of the same opinion?’
The audience had roared with laughter to see Jim Bannister tumble to the ground and they laughed anew with every word that Abernathy now spoke. Why bother hiring shills, thought that individual to himself, when there’s no shortage of natural-born fools willing to play the part for free?
Waving the rattler above his head, Abernathy said loudly: ‘Anybody else think that there’s no rattlesnakes connected with the oil here?’
He put the snake back in the van and brought out a small piece of machinery, which looked to Jack Morton like a mincer; the sort of thing you might find clamped to a kitchen table and used for grinding sausage meat.
‘I’ll warrant you’ve all seen one of these,’ said Abernathy. ‘I’m going to secure it to the seat here and put this glass jar under it, so.’ He matched the action to the words, then reached back into the van a final time and brought out another rattler. This one was considerably smaller than the first and not as lively. In fact it gave every sign of being stone dead.
‘Now, all I do next is grind up this snake, just so.’
Along with the others, Jack Morton watched in horrified fascination as the dead snake was reduced to a slimy red pulp.
‘This is only the first stage,’ explained Abernathy. ‘Next I have to distil this in order to extract the oil. It’s a long and complicated process. But I have some bottles of the genuine article that I decanted just twelve hours ago and is as fresh and efficacious as you could wish for. Just fifty cents per bottle, and I give you my personal guarantee that if this liniment does not exceed your most extravagant expectations, why then I shall refund your money with no questions asked. Now, who’s first?’
This was Morton’s cue and he at once called out: ‘I’ll have four bottles, Professor Murgatroyd. I tell you now, I was all but crippled by my wound that I acquired in the late war and I could scarcely move a step. The doctors had despaired of me and my family were resigned to looking after me for the rest of my days.
‘After a week of treatment with this liniment I was able to stand, and within a month I was walking again. I bless the day I found Murgatroyd’s rattlesnake oil.’ After this ringing endorsement Morton bounded up to the front and handed over two dollars, receiving in exchange four bottles of the liniment.